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No title.
(2013-08-28 - Now)
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Minette Odam A hall in the city of Luca has been rented. And for that matter... so has an audience. And some TV cameras. This horror is going to be televised for all to see. Another fine program brought to you via the good people at the Murasame Zaibatsu.

They even hired a special celebrity guest host.

Everyone is gathering for the Cookoff Of The Century and, frankly, Minette is nervous as all get out. She's not sure how much longer she can keep lying about not remembering why she challenged Kyra in the first place. It's... worrying. The live audence was her idea and she still thinks it's a nice touch... but now that they're here, the idea of competing in front of them is making her stomach go a little queasy. And that's the opposite effect she wanted!

The look on her face of sheer horror makes it clear she is not happy with this decision. To make things worse, she actually looks like hell-as if she spent the entire night staying up via the use of stimulants. Her hair is a mess but fortunately, her moogle hoodie does a good job at hiding that. There are dark circles under her eyes and her skin seems even paler than usual-which is a feat because she comes from Ramuha. Ramuha, where the sun does not shine.

Her hands shake as she sneaks a small vial out from under her hoodie. The vial is uncorked and Kyra downs the contents, whatever it may be, in one shot.
Hades There is a FLARE of FIRE and BRIMESTONE that signals the arrival of only ONE individual in /all of the worlds/. Two devils, who had beat him here had been moving about the place, double checking Murasame contracts and making sure this got some action here on /prime time TV/.

When it all clears, Hades stands in the middle of the kitchen, "Hello ladies and germs, Hades Lord of the dead here to host this wonder..." he pauses looking at Pain, who holds up a cuecard for him, "Right, right, wonderful /one on one deathmatch in hell's kitchen!/" he holds up a hand to calm down the audience, "Alright alright! Lets simmer down folks, Tonight we're gona see a /heated/ battle to the death in Hell's kitchen where ONE challenger will cream the other in brutal culinary battle where our host of celebrity judges, will deliver the /final verdict/ of who is crowned Queen of the Kitchen, and who must go home to commit ritual suicide!" he pauses, looking off camera, "Really? Are we taping that too?" A shrug, "Anyway! Everyone lets give an applause to our two contestants..."

"In the Right Corner, Weighing in at a slender one hundred and thirty five pounds, the THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER...representing Leviathi cooks everywhere... Minette Odam!"

"And the Challenger, in the left corner, Weighing in at three hundred and sixy pounds...." a pause, and a shrug, "THE MAD DOCTOR OF THE KITCHEN...Representing Rammud...KYRA HYRAL!"

And then the proper round of applause, and some odd looks at Kyra because of how wrong her weight was. Hades looks at a card for a moment, "Is this right?"

Pain shrugs, "We got it from the challenger, your evilness."

"Ohhhhh, it must be some rivalry thing, Riiiight." Hades comments...

"Now! The Judges! First, Traveling all the way from Rammud, the Heir to the Murasame throne, Souji Murasame!" a pause for more applause, "Sitting next to him, from Odin, the Iron Desolation, the Token Warrior of the group, Kamon Lionward!" another pause, "And with them, the important part of every adventuring group, Hailing From Ifriti...Soan "SAGE" Sagittarius!" a clap some applause, "And finally, our Celebrity guest Judge...a man who needs no introduction...The Absolute Authority of New Ivalice...Judgemaster, CID 'I AM THE LAW' RANDELL!"
Minette Odam "THAT IS NOT HOW MUCH I WEIGH!" Minette shrieks, horrified.

Welp. That's gonna be a new hunger strike.
Kamon Lionward Kamon Lionward is sitting in a chair at the judges table.

He has no idea how he got there, or how he got talked into this.

He looks around, very slowly, terror in his eyes.
Hades Pain looks up, "Girl, denial is not just a river in Egypt." Panic laughs so hard he falls over.
Alma Hyral This was going to be televised?

Oh crap. Alma looked even more worse for wear than Kyra. After the first few times the montage song had been played, Alma had decided she should actually you know, teach Kyra some of this stuff.

Between stimulants keeping her awake, minor chemical burns, and various other injuries, they'd managed to make it through the night. And now Kyra's food might not cause mortal injury to any of the judges. In fact, there was a small chance it might even be passable.

But now it was going to be televised. And she was fretting about how Kyra was going to get through all of this. She was seated to the side of the studio audience, having declared that she was going to be the medic for this showing and brooking no argument to the contrary. She gave her sister the thumbs up and then sat quietly otherwise.

And then Hades appears with all his customary flare, and announces the weights of the contestants, as well as the fact that it's going to be a.../battle to the death!?/ What in the? It being a death duel wasn't in the rules! She then glowered at Minette, for both that and likely being the reason that Kyra's weight was three hundred and sixty on the cards.
Soan Sagittarius Soan Sagittarius has some stocks going into this show. Why? How? Do you really wanna know?

The Rogue is in his full uniform, sitting at a chair at the Judge's Table as well, calm and collected, smiling faintly at the 'camera'.
Kyra Hyral Kyra has absolutely nothing to say about her weight because she OBVIOUSLY doesn't look like she weighs over three hundred pounds.

She might also be powering through this moment of sheer, undiluted horror with that shot of malboro vodka she just took.
Cid Randell Cid Randell is just siting on the end of the judge's bench in full Judgemaster armor, cape included. His arms are crossed over his armored chest as he listens to the introduction. He didn't know any of these people (and...other things...whatever Hades, Pain, and Panic were), but that wasn't really important for judging a cooking contest, right? Besides, everyone needed some time to relax, and with Mewt spending time with Remidi tonight, Cid was more or less on his own.

And he honestly didn't have much else of interest going on.

Middle age is a boring thing in a JRPG.
Minette Odam Minette is looking little better then Kyra once she's pushed (literally) in front of the cameras, light reflecting off of her glasses. Her knees shake a little bit and she holds her hands close to her chest protectively. She opens her mouth to say something but words don't come out. She... might not have thought all of this through very well. She stretches one arm forwards, tentatively, and flashes a V towards the camera, smiling. It is a toothy smile and looks unnatural and unattractive. .gif memes start hitting the internet minutes later.
Souji Murasame Souji Murasame is sitting at the judge's table. His hands are folded before him and his expression is meditative. He is a pool of silence and peace, but his expression betrays the kind of intense concentration required when facing a situation that will likely result in a great deal of unpleasantness.

He has no illusions about the quality of such cooks as are present here, and for a man who was raised on five-star dining, he is not looking forward to what will come from the hands of one who considers burnt coffee gourmet cuisine or someone who is notoriously bad with food preparation safety.

A hand moves slightly, under the table, removing a bottle of antacids and another bottle of stomach-relief liquid. They are slipped under the table to rest there for the use of the others.

He is harsh, but fair. IF they will all suffer together, he is going to share what he's got.
Alma Hyral Alma Hyral moves her chair closer to the Judge's table, staying just out of view of the camera. The implication is rather clear from the get go.

Also after last night's training she wouldn't inflict her sister's cooking on her worst enemy, much less any of the three sitting there.

She begins to take stock of her supplies, including some of her sister's antidotes, remedies, and elixirs that she'd been accumulating for emergencies. She'd even added something from Manhatten known as 'Sweet n' Low' to them to make it more pleasant to the judges.
Hades "Alright, we're good? We did enough of the Camera panning right?" Hades assides to Panic.

"Alright! Now, this event will be split up into THREE events...that's right. Three, three chances to prove yourself a master chief, or at least better than the other woman!" a laugh from the crowd as he starts workin' it.

"First! The Appetiser! Second...the Entree! And finally...the last part of any good meal...Dessert! Our contestants get ONE hour, that's right a whole hour to try and create the best thing that they can...and then after that one hour, it will be judged by our pannel, and yours truely in case we need a tie breaker." He says, waving his hands once more.

"The only stipulation.." he appears right next to Kyra, A hand on her shoulder, "Is that the contestants use Edible food." And then he is gone, a puff of brimestone leaves him back in the middle of the arena.

"Now! Are! YOU! READY?!"
Minette Odam Minette starts running through breathing exercises to calm herself. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. As soon as the cameras are pointed at Hades and thus not her, Minette calms down signifigantly and goes about her business, prepping her work station. She can do this, Minette tells herself. Kyra is perfect in every way except this one, she can /do/ this. Her ineffeable Minetteness takes over.

When the camera pans back, she's bent over, head canted to the side so that she can stare a dead salmon in the eyes and make 'fish faces' at it. As Hades asks if the contestants are ready, she looks up, to see the attention focused on her again.

She blushes crimson. "... ...yeah."
Cid Randell It wouldn't be proper for Cid to accept drugs under the table. As a Judge, a knight, and a royal, Cid must accept his fate with grace and dignity, and he intends to do just that. Mostly because he doesn't actually believe the food can be that bad.

He was single once, too, after all.
Kyra Hyral A wild-eyed glance is given in the direction of the judges, her gaze lingering on Kamon for a little bit longer than the others. Though inwardly, she also feels quite sorry for Soan but...he's a thief, right? Don't they all have to drink poison so they can build up immunity to it or something? Surely he's got some killer antibodies inside him right now. He should be fine!


The more she hears from Hades about this competition, the less she likes it and it shows. Kyra is definitely not camera-ready today unless 'looking like a hung over serial killer' can be considered camera ready.

The taunt about edible food makes Kyra's shoulders sink, "H-hey, I-" she starts to protest, but her host BAMFs away before she can really get a word in.

The white mage glances over at Kamon again, then takes a breath, her teeth gritted. "Yes. Ready."
Kamon Lionward Kamon smiles awkwardly at Kyra for a second when she looks over, lifting his hand a little to wave at her. He glances around self-consciously and shrinks in his chair visibly.

Kamon glances at Souji, Soan and Cid. Cid seems nonplussed about this. He looks back at the first two for a second, an almost pleading expression on his face for a second.
Soan Sagittarius Soan gives a subtle nod toward Kyra, but remains, mostly, neutral in the whole presentations of the rules, hands on the table before them. HE's remarkably calm!

Inwardly, it's another story.
Souji Murasame Souji was planning on having a trophy made or something. Something nice for the winner to gloat about or something.

And then Celba makes everything worse. Without even being here. His expression darkens, and he looks over to Kamon, perhaps sharing a silent moment of actual empathy in the horror they are about to experience.

He'd share one with Soan, too, but he's used up his quota for the year. Slowly, he nods faintly to Kamon. There's only one way they can make it through this intact.
Hades "Alright! Ladies and Gentlemen! Hell's kitchen..."

"Is officially OPEN! GO!" a timer appears on the lower hand of the screen. The contestants...DO NOT GET ONE! HA HAHAHA!

Hades leans near the Judges, "So guys, quite an event right?"
Soan Sagittarius Soan need not your pity, Souji Murasame. He already have your antidotes and stomach painrelief potions.
Cid Randell Ah...the fires of youth, Cid reflects silently. He remembered being young.

...he was stil young! He had plenty of time left to enjoy with his wife and son. He wasn't an old crotchety man reminiscing of his glory days gone by just yet! He wasn't a forgotten old man or some sort of hopeless old lush!

Hades' question suddenly jerks Cid out of his Old People Reminiscing. "What? Ah...yes. Yes, I suppose that indeed it is. It...should be...quite a spectacle."

I don't know any of these people, Cid reflects. I'm making new friends and expanding my horizons! That's what someone who was young would do, probably.

"I'm...anticipating what these young ladies manage to create," he adds. He just feels like he should *say* something. Otherwise people might think he nodded off in the middle of it.
Minette Odam Minette inhales... exhales. Inhales... exhales. She can hear what they're saying on the radio. The treDragonius. She should have expected it from that jerkface. That COMPLETE jerkface. She'll show them, SHE'LL SHOW THEM ALL!

Minette, seemingly appropos of nothing, throws her head back and erupts into cackling laughter. After a few moments, she realizes what she's doing and awkwardly goes back to her business. She shoots Kyra a look, considers a few things, and then...


Minette grabs a salmon and hefts a heavy knife. In one smooth motion she lops the fish's head off. The next motion she twists her wrist and slides the blade along the fish's belly. In the third motion she grabs the fish's tail and yanks dramatically to the side, leaving a solid fillet in one hand and... well, nothing in the other. The spine and guts to flying off to the side, sailing over the judges heads.

Despite how cool that was, this is still Minette, after all.
Cid Randell Cid watches the fish fly over his head. He doesn't even bother to duck.

Ah, to be young again.
Kamon Lionward Kamon ducks.

He doesn't know how unlucky Minette is right this second. It could take out his eye or something.
Hades Behind the judges, Pain and Panic look completely unamused because they are now covered in Fish guts.

Hades looks impassive, "Young? OH right, yeah. Man, besides myself though, you're the oldest person here." he assisdes to Cid. He offers a hand, "Hades, Lord of the Dead." he says, "Nice to meetcha, heard a lot of good things about you." He says, ever the smooth talking salesman, "Ooooh...and look at that a nearly flawless move by "The Thunder Down Under"...good thing the Judges don't take style into account."
Cid Randell "I do," Cid replies blankly. He doesn't need to be reminded by some kind of horrible eldritch abomination that he's the oldest person here.
Soan Sagittarius Soan don't move. Things goes just sailing right above him, missing him.

Except for that piece of guts. Subtly, Soan flicks it behind him with a finger. This... is going to be special.
Alma Hyral Alma tries not to laugh as Pain and Panic are covered in fish guts. Then with a pleasant smile, she actually gets up and offers the two a towel.

They may look like demon imps from the furthest reaches of hell, but hey, they don't deserve to get dumped on all the time, especially by Hades and inadvertently by flying Minette fish missiles.
Kyra Hyral With a frantic look on her face, Kyra stares around the kitchen. Though she had been practicing all night with Alma before-there are THINGS here. Ingredients. STUFF SHE DOES NOT RECOGNIZE! It's horrifying! Panic starts to settle in, but she fights against it, listening to the encouragement of her friends.

The decided 'prize' seems to make it all that much worse. Already she is picturing what will happen should she lose. No, she KNOWS exactly what will happen should she lose. Her hands start to tighten at the very thought and, turning on her heel, she storms over to the table where the vast array of ingredients are held. "...I can do this." she grumbles, grabbing foods off the table and piling them into her arms. A moment later she rushes back to her station and piles her spoils down upon the table.

Onions, sweet potatoes, and tomatoes roll around haphazardly, dropping to the floor and wedging themselves between kitchen implements. Flailing for a second, Kyra scatters the foods and starts chopping things.

This is no precise dissection, which Kyra is actually good at. This is downright vegetable genocide. "IS THAT HOW IT'S GOING TO BE, MINETTE?!" Kyra shouts back over her shoulder. "TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME!! HYRAL VEGETABLE CUTTING APOCALYPSE!!!!"

In her zeal, she lifts her knife high overhead, but does so with such force that she actually ends up throwing it backwards. It flies through the air and embeds itself in the judge's table.
Hades Panic lands on the table by Hades, "Oh your Horribleness, it's an hour overall.." Hades considers this, and then a KNIFE hits Panic right in the head.

He falls over, and Hades looks unbothered by this. "Oh new rules! You have only ONE HOUR, period. Apparently there was a mix up in the rules.." He shrugs, "And we have to play by the rules, right?"
Minette Odam Minette is setting her fillet to the side as a knife goes flying overhead. She hits the deck, toot-sweet, arms protectively going over her head. "Holy sharkfarts!" She declares. "Are you trying to kill me?!" She places a hand on the table and hauls herself up. "Wait... wh-- my eclairs are going to take most of an ho--OH NO!"

And there goes Minette, running to the pantry. She's coming back with a mixer, eggs, a bag of sugar is balancing on her head, a couple of bars of baking chocolate are tucked into her belt...

Things spill all over Minette's working surface and she starts hurriedly setting this thing to mixing, that thing to boil, dropping this, getting more of that. She's a little blur of motion and barely has any time to give Kyra dirty looks behind her back! And where's the fun in /that/?!
Souji Murasame Souji removes the fish spine from his hair and flicks it behind himself. He frowns slightly, but provides moral support to Minette anyway. This might be a calculated maneuver since he knows that Kyra is inevitably receiving support from the others.

And then there is a whistling sound as the knife flies right past Souji's head to hit Panic. He just frowns at this.

All is proceeding as expected.

And that's the worst thing of all.
Alma Hyral Alma Hyral looks entirely mortified at the result of the Hyral vegetable cutting apocalypse. She then murmurs in a soft voice, "I didn't teach her /that/."

Either way she moves over to Panic. She's not sure if her healing spells will hurt a demon, so instead she offers him an X-Potion from her stock.

Minette goes into a flurry of motion, and Alma begins to groan. This was her worst cooking Nightmare. She hopes that Max doesn't watch TV as he'd almost certainly recognize that this was one of his student's sisters.
Soan Sagittarius Soan is staring very, very still. Absolutely still, watching their doom being prepare right before their eyes, their noses. With hope, by staying still like a statue, he wont get hit all that much by the thunderstorm of horribleness that is brewing, unleashed right before them.

Soan tend to be an optimist.
Kyra Hyral Kyra quickly looks over her shoulder to make sure she didn't actually kill anyone. Wait. Did Panic just die?

Kyra quickly looks over her shoulder to make sure she didn't actually kill anyone important.

"No!" Kyra shouts back defensively as she grabs her cutting board and starts shoving the chopped vegetables up into a boiling pot of water in her stove area. Frantically, she looks around until she finds her salt shaker and begins dumping liberal amounts of salt into the boiling pot. Because salt makes everything better, right? She puts a lid on the pot and rushes off again.

She stops at the food table and sort of just stands there staring blankly for a full minute. After a moment, she reaches into hoodie and pulls out another vial, which she pops and starts to down...only to pause. "...that's it!! That will be the dessert!!! Yes!! AAHAHHAHAHAHHAA!!!" Kyra cackles in a way that would bring a tear to Feige or Alberic Lux's eye.

Reaching over the table she grasps a jar that looks like it has some form of pickled tentacles in it. Next comes eggs. And cream. And... "...hey, where's all the sugar?"

Minette walks by with the bag balanced on her head and Kyra scowls. After depositing her chosen ingredients, Kyra stalks after Minette with a measuring cup. Since her opponent is too busy to even look her way, Kyra takes advantage of the opportunity for some tactical sneaking and cup-of-sugar stealing action.

Soan should be proud.
Cid Randell Cid, meanwhile, has his nose in the rulebook. He's pretty sure at least one of these girls is cheating, but since he isn't The Law here, he can't just whip out a Law Card and punish them.

"I'm sure this cooking fight is entirely by the book," Cid declares. "But just to make sure, I've opened the rulebook here, and my eye is always watching out for signs of cheating."
Hades Pain moves over to help Panic, pulling the knife out.

A X-potion and a Comedic disney sized bandage later, Panic is now looking at Alma from time to time with hearts in his eyes. That was the first time a girl was nice to him. This might get it's own episode.

Hades watches Kyra and smiles apprecitively, she might get a card in her stuff later. Hades is always looking to hire CAPABLE people. "Now THAT is a girl of action." he says, and looks back to the Judges, "Well there we go! Judgemaster Cid always ready to catch cheating."
Kamon Lionward Kamon takes a moment to appraise his surroundings. He wonders, perhaps, if there is something in the water. Maybe Kyra already got to it. It would explain the insanity somewhat.

He sees the knife strike a Minion of Hades, Dark Lord of the Cookpocalypse. He frowns slightly. It isn't because of sympathy for the little devillish thing, but rather, at the loss of a perfectly good knife. He could've used that to, he doesn't know, fake a grievous knife wound and get out of judging this whole thing.


Minette Odam Minette is largely oblivious to Kyra's exsistance because she's trying to do five tasks at once and, oddly, succeeding at three of them which exceeds expectations. Yes, it is possible that Alma's worst fears might have been realized...

Minette might be baseline competant.

But this disregards the fact that she's lost track of the bag of sugar which is still sitting on top of her head. In fact she's starting to wonder where it got off to. The bag sits open, sugar occasionally spilling down the back, unnoticed, every now and again. Minette reaches down, pre-heating her oven. Her plan is ruined! She can't do her planned entree AND her dessert in the time needed because both require different oven temperatures and, AAAAUGH. She glances up.

"Sorry about the fish guts, Mister Murasame!" Now is the perfect time for Kyra to strike!
Kyra Hyral Kyra swipes that bag right off her head. Does Minette notice?! Right behind her back, she's busily pouring the sugar into her measuring cup until it overflows a little bit. Right afterwards, though....

...Kyra carefully replaces the slightly depleted bag of sugar back onto Minette's head. Straight up stealing an ingredient is a DICK MOVE that not even the black sheep of the Hyral family would visit upon someone.

Soan Sagittarius Cheating a major part of what Soan tend to do. He is quite proud of Kyra's own little movements, indeed, altought he makes no movement to acknowledge on them. There is a major Judge right next to them right now, so he, himself, can't really try anything too blatant.

That knife is also awfuly tempting. Just waiting them preparing the food is very much like a prisoner watching the executioners preparing the guillotine, or the electric chair right before them. It's... unnerving.

He gives a brief look at the demonling that got stabbed, returning that glance at that competition, stoicaly, watching Kyra's bold move. He certainly taught that girl well.

Not that he remember teaching her a lot of dirty rogue tricks, but, hey. People learn by watching.
Souji Murasame Souji Murasame turns several shades more pale at the sight of what Kyra is putting into her dessert. But he must remain calm and collected. He can't allow this to get to him. He will not show weakness here.

It becomes harder every minute.
Cid Randell Cid is completely unaware of the complex interplay of emotions, relationships, and magnificent incompetence at play here. It's probably to his benefit.
Alma Hyral Alma isn't even looking at Pain and Panic anymore, definitely not noticing the Disney hearts in his eyes. Right now she's in fact, focused on the COOKING HORROR. Or Kitchen Nightmares. Kyra's maniacal laughter then gives her a deer in the headlights look, as she starts to emulate the heads of the Murasame MAD SCIENCE division, but she shakes it off after a while. This wasn't the first time she'd seen her sister in the Mad Pla...err the Zone. The further shenanigans of taking sugar then putting it back on Minette's head has her further groaning.

Surreptitiously she starts to put both a remedy and an elixir on the table in front of each of the Judges. One after the other, giving each a look of true sympathy.
Minette Odam Taking the bag from Minette is the easy part. Now, putting it back? That's hard. Kyra places the bag down and it stays... for a moment. But Minette's moving about and at the last second her head shifts. The bag doesn't go down levelly. At first, no problem. But then Minette reaches to the side and one of the live crabs that is going to be a part of her appatizer pinches her.

Minette shrieks as the little creature latches onto her finger, staggering backwards a step, flailing. The bag's center of gravity shifts and that's when Minette becomes aware of it's exsistance again. "Oh, that's where that got t---oh no! No, no, no, no!" Minette starts funny-walking off to the side, trying to prevent the bag from falling on her station. "No, no, no, no..." Still walking... "NONONONONON--" Minette walks into a shelf full of pots, pants, and other such equipment in a powdery explosion of metal and sugar. That... looked painful.
Hades "Oooo...and Kyra's sabatage of Minette's cooking station is complete...can Minette recover from this disaster?!" Hades announces...and then assides to Cid, "I think that play was legal."
Minette Odam As if to punctuate Hades' remark to Cid, a collander lands upon Minette's head with a loud 'clonk' sound, forming a helmet.
Cid Randell "I'm going to allow this," Cid replies, straight-faced. "The rules support it."
Hades "Welp, you heard it! The play is legal! Oh and you have only minutes left."
Alma Hyral She starts to put a second remedy in front of each Judge, once she hears there are only minutes left.

Watching Minette on the stage, she starts to mentally calculate how many injuries she's sustained, and if she in fact needs any healing. So far she's not to the point where she'd attempt medical intervention mid competition.

Now Minette's pride? No healer in the world was good enough to put that back together.
Kyra Hyral With her sugar in hand, Kyra trots back to her station, grabbing a big metal mixing bowl on the way. "This is going to be greaaaaaat-" she starts to grin until she abruptly stops, hearing Minette shrieking and flailing, then crashing into the cookware. Kyra watches the scene in horror because she thinks killing the other chef contestant at this stage is against the rules!

Well wait, Hades did say TO THE DEATH. So if Minette dies in the kitchen of battle, does this mean Kyra wins?!

"Wait that wasn't sabatoooooogwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat minutes?! <GOOSEHONK!!!!>" Kyra flings the ingredients into the metal bowl, mixes them together and runs for the-oh god.

She runs for the ice cream machine and dumps the mixture in.

That pot with the vegetables from earlier is boiling over. Kyra does not notice as she turns the grill up to extremely high heat-so high that the flames over it are towering. Her final 'course', which is a very large, likely loin-cut piece of meat, is stabbed through using the longest knife Kyra can find. In this time-pressed moment, she has no idea where the skewers are kept!

Rolling up her sleeve, Kyra sticks the meat, which she holds herself on that knife, into the flames. Her hand and part of her arm seem to be in danger of roasting along with her entree.
Minette Odam "MINUTES!" Minette squeaks, head popping out of the pile of dishware. "That's not good!" She scrabbles up to her feet, ignorant of the possibility of sabotage because, frankly, these sorts of things happen to her normally without outside intervention. She's... Minette. And now she's running back to her station. Minutes! Though technically now that she thinks about it anything less then the full hour would be 'minutes'.

But Minette doesn't want to take the risk that Hades is messing with them. Even though he likely is. She starts grabbing crabs and throwing them in a boiling pot. "Augh... poor crabbies... sorry!" She throws a baking sheet of dough in the oven, then grabs a pan, throws it on the fire, and drops her fillet in. She splashes butter over top of it.
Souji Murasame "They don't have enough time left to actually cook anything." Souji asides. "I hope you like your food basically raw."
Minette Odam "Don't worry, Mr. Murasame!" Minette declares. "I cook with LOVE and that overcomes everything!"
Kamon Lionward Kamon sets his jaw and takes a slow, deep breath. He nods a little at Souji and Soan's commentary. He appears to be centering himself, for the things to come.
Soan Sagittarius The Thief look over at Souji, tilting his head. "Do you?" He asks, before hearing Minette's declarations. "So, raw." Soan sumrises, looking briefly toward Kamon, then to the doom being prepared bright before them.
Souji Murasame Souji Murasame does not comment on Minette's capacity to know, understand, or contribute such a thing. "I am sure it will work out." The fact that he can say this with a straight face is a testament to his determination.
Kyra Hyral "Raw?" Kyra's head turns towards the judges as she cooks her meat over the fire, rotating it slowly and ignoring the butter that splashes onto her hoodie.

With a determined look on her face, Kyra digs through her coat and produces a vial with red liquid. "My food will not be RAW!" she screeches in desperation and smashes the vial against the grill.

The resultant explosion blows Kyra off her feet and shatters all glassware in the immediate vicinity. The roast-on-a-knife escapes Kyra's hands and lands, charred, on the judge's table.
Kyra Hyral "Raw?" Kyra's head turns towards the judges as she cooks her meat over the fire, rotating it slowly and ignoring the butter that splashes onto her hoodie.

With a determined look on her face, Kyra digs through her coat and produces a vial with red liquid. "My food will not be RAW!" she screeches in desperation and smashes the vial against the grill.

The resultant explosion blows Kyra off her feet and shatters all glassware in the immediate vicinity. The roast-on-a-knife escapes Kyra's hands and lands, charred, on the judge's table.
Hades Panic is back on the Table, "Your horribl-" ROAST ON A KNIFE HITS Panic, smashing it into the Camera.

"...Geeze, That's two for two. That girl's got GOOD aim." Hades comments, "Five minutes."
Alma Hyral Alma stands agape, as she watches her sister thrust her hand, and part of her arm right into the boiling cauldron, "Kyra there are /limits/ to what kind of burns we can heal!"

She'd been trying to keep quiet as possible up until this point but... sweet Cosma.

And then explosions, as the roast sails for the Judge's table, she actually dives behind Kamon. Like her sister, she realizes that in these events, the safest place to be is right behind the Odynar tank. There she sits, cowering just a little bit.

Seeing that Panic got hit again... she walks over. Another X-Potion, another comical Disney bandaging session and now he starts to look like a literal mummy(Give her some credit, she kept his nose and mouth uncovered. Just in case he actually breathes.)
Minette Odam "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Minette declares, once again diving for cover due to Kyra. Then, she insightfully quips, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Kamon Lionward fwipfwipfwipfwipTHUNK-SPLORT.


Inhale... exhale. Find your center, Kamon. Your roastless, unpoisoned center.
Cid Randell Cid reaches up and wipes his face off.

"I'm going to allow this," he notes, equally blandly.
Soan Sagittarius Soan looks at the miraculous, scorched roast.

He blinks. He takes a deep breath, causally wipes his face off, and use a cloth to clear his glasses.

"Well. Looks like we have our first sample, gentlemen."
Alma Hyral "Is there anything you won't allow!?" She states at Cid, in a comically anxious tone of voice.
Hades "Cheating, obviously." Hades says. "Oh the first! Okay guys, divy this up into four portions, lets start ...Wait is giving us food first against the rules?"
Cid Randell "Cheating," Cid replies, ultra-seriously. He opens the book, holding his thumb to keep it in place, and hands it off to Alma.

Accidental Collateral (Acceptable Levels, Paragraph 3)

"No," Cid replies, "Only if it was presented properly. This wasn't presented properly; therefore, it's clearly not against the rules. A cut and dried case, much like this roast."
Soan Sagittarius "Of /course/ not." Soan says, looking at the Judge. "We haven't had our appetizer."
Hades Pain, however, takes the hunk of roast and eats it. He licks his lips...and then falls over instantly KOed.
Cid Randell The Judgemaster nods. This man takes his rules /seriously/, that's for sure.
Kyra Hyral A charred hand slams against the judges table. A burnt-looking Kyra hauls herself up over the edge like some kind of demonspawn crawling out of hell. "Sorry."

She reaches over and removes the roast from the judges table. "I need to finish preparing this."
Minette Odam Minette peeks from around her kitchenette, giving Kyra a dirty look. "HEY! Is it /safe/ to come out now?"
Alma Hyral Alma takes the book out of Cid's hands, and gives him a look like, /ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?/ She then looks at the rules, then at the conditions of acceptable collateral. She starts to realize that he might in fact, be out of his mind, either that or hasn't met her sister before today.

She then walks over, and gives Pain a remedy by pouring it down his throat. She then pulls out a small vial which says syrup of ipecac. She seems to be seriously considering using it. As she stares at it. An hour of intractable vomitting or digesting Kyra's food, which is worse?
Kyra Hyral "IT'S SAFE!" The roast, however, has a hanger-on that Kyra notices in her alchol-concussion-induced haze a few moments after she's taking a few steps away from the judge table.

Alma medicates the little demon and Kyra continues to stand there, staring at him for a long moment, "...look, I'm going to need that back." she sighs, hauling the little demon up and then...hugging him? Yes. Hugging him. To squeeze the roast out. Idily she wonders if demons from Pain's world carry bacteria.
Hades Pain hulks up the Roast.

Hades winces...

"Legal?" he asks.
Cid Randell Cid stands up; a Yellow Card flashes in his hand. "VIOLATION!" He shouts, pointing at Kyra, "Food cooked may not be recycled! FORBIDDEN: RECYCLING!"

The Yellow Card springs out of Cid's hands and hovers above Kyra, spinning eagerly.
Cid Randell "Recommended: Spices," Cid adds after a moment, as though he just realized he forgot something.
Soan Sagittarius "I thought we were all the judges, here." Soan Sagittarius calmly asides, eyeing the Grandmaster Judge with an raised eyebrow, arms crossed.

"However," The Thief says, looking at the roast being... recovered. "I do not look foward eating something that came from the guts of a demon."
Minette Odam "OKAY!" Minette calls back, untrusting.

Back to work. Minette tosses a collander into the sink, then dumps the crab-pot over top. Good. Where's that second pot of boiling water...? There! Okay. No, not okay, not boiling sufficiently! Minette sprinkles a pinch of salt to help with that, la la la. Cream is... almost done. Chocolate is reduced to a low simmer, okay, okay, okay... AH, FISH! Minette grabs the handle (burning herself a little) and flips it, letting the other side of the fish start sizzling. She splashes some Levitani red wine into the pan; there's a small flare-up of fire but that's expected and Minette only winces away a little.

"Wait, what am I forgetting. CRABS!" Minette digs the crabs out of the strainer, grabs a hammer and starts going to town because she doesn't have much time to do it properly with a cracker. Augh... this suuuuuucks... but she can make it! She feels it! Lumps of crabmeat start getting chucked to the side.

Kyra stares upwards, uncomprehendingly at the spinning yellow card before she seems to deflate and toss the charred roast aside. She returns to her oven, turns off the burner for the pot from earlier, cranks up the heat to about ten times the recommended cooking range, then rushes back to the food table. A different chunk of meet is selected that could very well be a giant chocobo breast. Slapping it down onto her cutting board, she starts to very carefully slice the meat into even pieces.

Salt is dumped over the slices. Then the nearest spices she can grab her hands on, which turn out to be nutmeg, cocoa, and paprika.

"There's your damn spices." Kyra grumbles and throws it all into the oven on a pan.

Meanwhile, the ice cream machine is producing some kind of lime green substance that appears to have the consistency of ice cream. It falls onto the floor, coating it until Kyra grabs a bowl and starts catching it.
Hades Hades finally stands up, "Time!" He shouts, as he looks down at Pain and Panic, who are...


"...Not even dinner time and we already have two casualties!"
Soan Sagittarius "We all knew, going into this, some sacrifices would have to be made to see this through." Soan calmly answers.
Kyra Hyral Kyra promptly sets her food aside and pulls another vial from within her hoodie. It's like she has an endless supply in there or something.

This one turns out to just be a potion so she can deal with that explosion damage from earlier. "Ugh." she looks...resigned.
Minette Odam Minette is a blur of motion, having gone to her 'math place' where everything is a calculation. She can almost see the equations in her vision scrolling by. The temperature of this. The cook time of that. The optimum angle to grab that handle by and the most efficient arc to transfer the pan to that burner. She's plating with efficiency, but not a whole terribly large amount of visual creativity.

Hades declares 'time' and Minette throws her arms up in the air to show she's done. The squeezy-thing she was using to fill her pastries with cream goes flying, spluttering onto the floor. Minette has the passing thought; 'what is that squeezy thing called', but fights it down. Not important now. Gonna present to the judges soon. Yeah. She can do this. She can... do this.
Kyra Hyral For what it's worth, Kyra does have her dishes ready. Meaning...there is food on dishes. Whether or not it is fully cooked or even edible is up for debate. As she looks over her work, unable to touch it at this point, she switches her drink from potions to that malboro vodka again.

The ice cream machine is still producing that green slime, which has made it into little ramkins alongside Kyra's other food.
Minette Odam Minette eyes Kyra. This is the MOMENT of TRUTH. Filled with truthiness.
Alma Hyral Alma looks, tense. This is the MOMENT of PAIN. Filled with suffering. And lots of White Magic.
Soan Sagittarius Soan looks at the two contestants, hands clasped into one another, patiently waiting for his doom, their doom, to arrive.
Kyra Hyral Kyra sucks in a breath and finally pushes the hood back on her hoodie, revealing her rather messy red hair. Despite the crimes against the culinary world she has committed in this kitchen today, she holds her head high. "I present to you...the following."

Kyra gestures to the appetizer. It's a soup. "A sweet potato, tomato, and onion bisque." It might seem familiar to Alma. Wasn't that something they practiced last night...?

She gestures to the next part of the meal. The entree. "This is roasted..." she pauses, realizing she wasn't entirely sure what kind of animal the meat came from, "...meat crusted in a rub of cocoa, nutmeg, and paprika. And finally for dessert..."

That green stuff. It's starting to melt a little. It definitely looks like some kind of ice cream. Kyra grins.

"Malboro ice cream. Uh. Enjoy."
Minette Odam Minette starts bringing her plates up, setting out one plate for each judge. They don't have faith in her... except Souji. Minette inhales, then steels herself. She can do this, she WILL do this! "Reach for the top, Minette." She whispers as the judges examine her food. "Reach for the top, Minette. Reach for the top, Minette..."

Minette's appatizers are fried crab dumplings; lumps of crab meat lightly fried in oil, then wrapped in traditional Levitanni handmade noodles and deep-fried afterwards. They're a little underdone and need more time in the deep-frier and as a result aren't a crunchy as they ought to be and are a bit too oily... but are otherwise edible.

Minette's entree is a salmon fillet with a red wine reduction and a crispy char-sear. The sear is a little overdone and thus the fish is slightly burnt on one side, but is otherwise a well-done meal with a side of thin Levitani pasta in a garlic butter sauce. The dish's biggest sin is the lack of the asparagus which Minette left overcooking on her grill (and are now starting to smoke), and perhaps a slight overlap with her appatizer.

Minette's dessert are eclairs. The chocolate was put on too hot and is running everywhere, the cream is not evenly distributed in the middle and is a bit over-sweet, and there aren't actually enough of them for all the judges, meaning that two of them will have to share half an eclare.
Alma Hyral Alma Hyral closes her eyes as Kyra presents each dish. Sweet potato, tomato, and onion bisque. Simple. It was in fact something similar to what they'd practiced. Something that would be difficult to get wrong. She does however wince at the combination of spices on the next dish and her ignorance on the type of meat. Hey, at least it wasn't vomitted up. She wouldn't wish that on anyone here.

Once they got all the chemical burns out of her house she could see that she needed to give her sister some proper spice lessons.

But the true horror came with the dessert. That just had her mouth agape.

And then Minette presents her food and...well Alma's heart just sinks a little. If not for the prize or the possible /to the death/ thing which Hades might enforce later, she wouldn't mind if Minette wins but... yeahhh... her food definitely seems better at a glance. Time to see what the Judges thought.
Hades Hades shares an Eclaire, he's a part time judge.

More of a tie breaker.

He ries Kyra's stuff First.

"...The Soup is...simple, plain and simple. Hard to get wrong, but very plain." On TV, everytime Hades says Plain, the camera focuses on Minette.

"...This bird...meat...whatever is...this does not go together. At least I..can eat it." He continues.

And then finally... He takes a bite out of the Ice Cream. He looks at Kyra, "This is /Amazing/! Nobody makes good old fassion monster ice cream anymore!"

Hades turns towards Minette, "Eh, not the worse...there is a crab shack I ment to once, fast food joint. Reminds me of that stuff." he starts with, "...Hmm...edible, a bit overcooked. Not bad. Might need to work on your timing a bit." And then... "Hm. Eh. Plain." CAMERA SPAM.
Cid Randell Cid looks down at Kyra's food. He's silent for a long moment. A very, very, very long moment. He seems to be debating if he's actually willing to try it. Then, without fear, he does so. The soup is...acceptable. It's even pretty decent.

It's the other two that are less so. Cid's face is completely impassive as he chews on the roast; he picks up a glass of water and downs it immediately, then stands up and pours himself another. Still fearlessly, he walks over, dips a spoon into the ice cream, and tastes it.

It is horrible. Cid's face still doesn't change as his mind races through a number of unpleasant thoughts; he downs his glass of water again, but the taste doesn't vanish. Cid stands up, pours another glass, downs that, and finds that the taste continues to linger, like a foul Marlboro curse. It is, in fact, some of the worst food he's ever eaten.

Still. He had a job to do.

Cid sits back down for part two. He takes a bite of the crab dumplings and is mercifully rewarded with something that attempts to kill the Marlboro taste to death. It fails, but it's a valiant attempt, one for which Cid is grateful. For about ten seconds, and then the aftertaste kicks in. Cid starts coughing, his hand thumping against his armored chest; WHANG WHANG WHANG WHANG WHANG like he's trying to kill the horrible mingling of seafood and...whatever the hell Marlboro is. He's just...coughing.

The next one, the salmon, is still not capable of killing the Marlboro-and-Crab horror show in his mouth, but it is not as bad as the Crab. With a copious drink of water, the horror finally ends. Cid inhales sharply, then shakes his head.

He picks up the eclair without hesitation and takes a bite.

It's average.

Cid puts the eclair down and shakes his head. "The first contestant's food was marginally more acceptable than the second. The crab was horrific, and the salmon...was unpleasant. However, when I say that the first contestant's food was /marginally/ better, I quite literally mean /marginally/ - it's much like comparing whether I would rather be set on fire or frozen to death."

"Fortunately," Cid adds as he stands up, "As a Servant of New Ivalice, I am immune to instant death effects. I can only assume that that is why I am mostly unharmed."
Kamon Lionward Kamon looks at the spread. Minette's actually looks not half bad -- or maybe /only/ half bad. Kamon keeps himself composed when he observes Kyra's choice of dishes. He looks up from his seat at the two of them, giving them an even look.

Then, he begins.

Minette's dumplings start first. Kamon crunches a little and squishes a lot. He chews, slowly and thoughtfully. His expression does not change. "This is definitely, uh... this is most certainly an example of..." He hesitates for a second. ""

He moves on. He picks up a knife and fork and carefully and precisely takes cuts of the salmon fillet. He eats little bits and takes his time about it. Finally, his judgement, still straight-faced: "I think this is... completely... and... yes. Certainly food."

The dessert entry. Kamon doesn't hesitate; he takes a bite out of the eclair and chews it mechanically, though actually does eat the whole portion put in front of him. He muses for a second, "Hmmmm... uh, well... it's... it's a sort of... softish... food."

There is no pause. He continues, unabated, like some kind of gods-damned golem. He's broken out into a sweat, though his composure hasn't changed. He tries some of the bisque, sipping it almost professional-like. "Yep." A knowing, if queasy nod. "It's a... food."

Next. Move forward, he thinks, or you will never see the light of day. He checks the meat, slicing into it and only having to put a little bit of elbow grease into the process. His knife shakes slightly as it touches the surface of the plate. He tries to still his hands as he eats it. "D-definitely... food...!"

The final course: Malboro ice cream. It's green. Kamon gets the impression that it's looking at him. The room is beginning to swim, and he doesn't think it's because they're in an underwater level. He takes a spoonful and laborously raises it to his mouth. His expression hasn't changed, but his face is unpleasantly red. He swallows.

"F... f... fooooo..."

Kamon's eyes cross. He squeezes them shut and thrusts his knife into the air. There's a glow of white and cyan light that spreads out from him, suffusing the judge's table in a comfortable, reassuring glow.

Command > Flair > 0UNBURDEN SOUL > All

The Judges receive ESUNA!

The light goes out like a switch got flicked. Kamon's chair pitches over backwards. His expression is still stony, though his eyes are definitely X's.
Alma Hyral Alma lurches forward towards Kamon but stops a half-step into it, even though he's unconscious(And possibly dead), instead motioning for Kyra to do it.

Kyra would never forgive her if she went to minister to Kamon first while she was in range.

Still she plays with a Phoenix Down in her hands. It may in fact be necessary.
Soan Sagittarius Soan takes a subtle long, deep, relaxing breath as the two women bring their platter of food before the judging table. He's done quite a few things in his life as a Rogue. He's willingly inhibited poison to prepare for some final exams, then the disgusting antitode to develop an resistance to them. Unfortunately, that methode only works with specific poisons, which get screwed up as soon you introduce a different kind. These foods? They are not one poisons.

They are a cocktail of them, mixed, fusing, creating even viler things by their close proximity using chemistry wizardry that Kyra and Minette are unwittingly capable of. Gathering his courage, using most of it to remain rather stoic, calm, collected (and partly failing), the Rogue begins to sample the wares.

He begins with the sweet bisque, munching into it. He kicks back a reflex to winces. It's not too good... but it's decent. It's edible. It's /edible/. "I like the bisque." Soan says, his voice barely audibly struggling, nodding firmly, not finishing his half. "The flavour attacks the roof of my mouth and I feel like crying from the onion, but this is good.

Next comes the meat. Soan stares at it for a long time, before drawing a knife, making a swift cut, then bringing it to his mouth. It stops, barely a moment of hesitation before entering. He cringes, chewing throughly for half a moment then, with all the will he can muster, swallow it. Soan's knife hand shakes, carefully setting down the knife as he looks for the glass of water, drinks from it, repeating mantras in his head to steel yourself against the foulest of Chaos creations as he sets it down. "The less said about the meat, the better for this contestant."

Then come the worse, he perceived, of Kyra's panoply. He figures, he's going to take a quick taste, be done with it. He does that, retreiving a bit with a spoon, he take a taste. His eyebrows lifts in surprise. "...Huh. Kind... of minty. In a sordid kind of way. I'm surprised."

Soan's mind is flurring with thoughts as he sets his look over at Minette's food. Only half-way done. He's not sure how much of this he can take. He tastes the fried crab dumpling, bitting carefully into it. "Hmrmrmph!" The Rogue lets out, bitting his lips as he forces the thing down his throat, swallowing loudly. His eyes widens, his eyes clouding up for a moment as his body slumps foward for a fraction of second, before he catches himself straight. He blinks rapidly, takes another drink and hurriedly go to the salmon.

"It's... it was something." Soan admits, his voice becoming more monotone, drained, strained as he munches on the fish. He winces, slurping on the red wine finish. "The wine... is fine, bland taste, but servicable. It's... it's food. It's... it's food."

Then comes the eclaire. To his eyes, this is an unsurmontable foe, a mountain. Forcing his hand to stop shaking without success, the Rogue takes it, traveling it to his mouth where he takes a bite.

Soan does not move any further after he tasted this, his body's muscle straightening up, firm from the terrible stress he's endured in the last minutes, finished off by whatever he's just tasted. Even his eyes are unfocused, without lights. Without hope, his face paler than usual.

Until, that is, ESUNA. He regains some colors, letting down the eclaire as he slumps against his seat, taking a deep breath.
Souji Murasame Souji has witnessed and judged cookoing competitions in his own land many times. It's a pasttime of the rich and a good way to make people make five star food for you for basically free, and it lets cooks temper their technqiue in the fires of competition.

Souji begins by looking over the appetizers as they are set down. He tries the bisque first, sampling the simple soup. He pauses, considering it. He actually tries a second spoon. "It is a bisque." Souji pronounces. "The vegetables are irregularly chopped, leading to uneven cooking. The textures are odd. As Sagittarius mentioned, the flavors are not proerly harmonized, the onion coming out too strongly." He then looks to the crab dumplings, picking one up and taking a bite. "The wrapper is too chewy. It is underdone." He also then makes a crunching noise. "And I believe there was some shell left in the meat." He says without missing a beat. "Use the proper tool for the job in the future."

The entree is nect. He simply stares at the meat. "Cocoa, nutmeg, and paprika." He repeats quietly. He takes two bites and makes a face. "The meat is, as expected, not cooked properly. The spice coating clashes with the flavor and texture of the meat instead of complimenting it." He points out. "I cannot imagine eating an entire meal of this." He turns to the salmon, and tries it. "The texture is appropriate, but I can tell the sear is overdone on one side. The pasta is adequate, but doesn't allow for much differentiation from the appetizer. There is also a lack of a proper vegetable, which I believe I can smell beginning to burn on the grill." He gestures with his fork at what is probably a smouldering pile of vegetable matter now. "The reduction is average. Complimentary, but plain."

Finally, Souji looks to the desserts. This time, he tries the eclair first. He frowns at the half of an eclair. "Odam, you did not complete enough for all of the judges." He states this as if it is a grave sin. And in a cooking competition, it is. "The chocolate is too runny, I would be afraid of staining my suit were I to eat this." He takes a bite, and the frown deepens. "There is too much sugar in the cream, and I feel like there was barely any in the portion I have."

Souji then turns to the malboro ice cream. He stares at it. He hesitates, and then begins to eat.

He continues to eat. His expression becomes glazed, and he stares forward, his body moving mechanically, as if an iron will was driving him forward.

Finally, he stops, and he looks up towards Kyra with a piercing expression.

His voice is quiet. "You have served me Malboro. I will not forget your face."

The Esuna brings his skin a few shades back, but it's clear that it's all Souji can do to not pitch over in agony.
Soan Sagittarius Soan is slouched over his chair, back bending around the upper end of it as he lets out a croaking, pained noise.
Alma Hyral Alright, enough waiting, Alma tosses the Phoenix Down on top of Kamon. More esuna spells are cast on the remainder of the judges.

She then puts the bottle of syrup of Ipecac down on the table pointedly. An hour of agonized uncontrolled vomitting, or digestion.

She feels sorry for all of them, no matter what choice they make.

This scene contained 102 poses. The players who were present were: Hades, Kyra Hyral, Kamon Lionward, Souji Murasame, Soan Sagittarius, Alma Hyral, Minette Odam, Cid Randell